Confusion is an interesting emotion. The dictionary definition is “a mental state involving impaired orientations with respect to time, place or person”. Synonyms are words like “jumble”, “disorder”, “perplexity” and “bewilderment”. If a person is a jumbled disorder of bewildered perplexity, navigating life in the physical and digital world can be difficult. Yet here many of us are, determinedly attempting.

I think we are all confused. Not necessarily in the traditional sense, but decisions get harder as there are more to make and options are infinite. It would be weird if weren’t. How do we react to this confusion? Many of us use our energy to convince our “audience” that we are not. We are performative, and we are good at it. We see so many people in our everyday lives, most of them digitally. The first thing I do when I wake up and the last thing I do before bed is ensure I have responded to every friend who has texted or Instagrammed me. Mindlessly I unlock my phone and scroll through stories of people I barely know, subconsciously comparing myself and judging. It becomes second nature. Replying is suddenly urgent and it is virtually impossible to properly switch off. We owe our friend/colleague/acquaintance/girl I met in the toilets at that party/random person I never met who follows me on Instagram an instant reply.

Can I really blame social media for my state of confusion? Or does this feeling stem from an increased expectation coupled with an unhelpful decrease in attention? Even as I write this, a song I liked came on Spotify, I sent it to a friend and got distracted in a mine of unanswered WhatsApp messages. Back in the day, before I was even a fetus, did people bounce from one idea to the next - career hopping in their minds and wanting an instant result? I doubt it. The sheer amount of input makes focusing hard and to stay on track, we need an athlete-like motivation and an understanding of where the fun ends and toxic begins.

One of my favourite idioms is “comparison is the thief of all joy”; arguably this should be Instagram’s subtext. What was meant to be a digital photo album, has become a shallow site for one-uppery and essential evidence to all who care (and those who don’t) that you are winning at life. I have noticed that when I feel my worst, I post the most. It’s almost as if I can control the image on the outside, I feel like I can at least perform myself into feeling good. Instead, I check the likes on a post seven times every thirty seconds and engage with comments using emojis that usually don’t reflect my actual emotions.

The cacophony of contrasts are as amusing as they are confusing. Suddenly, what was the place for only perfect stomach-sucked-in pictures has catalysed a flow of authenticity. I see, (particularly slim white women) regularly posting “Instagram vs reality”, in which they aim to prove they are in fact real women and not perfect. The flaw is that they do not represent a variety of body types, and mostly their “reality” picture looks better than many of my own “instagram” selfies could ever hope to be. The comments congratulating them for being so “brave” render utterly ridiculous in a battle “to be real”. Yet this is the constant contradiction, here I criticise whilst simultaneously comparing. Is the only way to escape this to delete social media once and for all? Or create screen restrictions that tell me when I’ve spent too much time there; a digital child lock?

I speak with envy to friends who delete their accounts, stating they no longer need it whilst creating a new account under a different name so they can still partake. I come up with an array of excuses as to why I can’t do this. Communication, DJ gig promotion, friends in foreign countries, my work etc. The real reason of course, is that it is ingrained within me. My instagram is an extension of myself. What would be the point in taking pictures if no one can see them? What is the point in going to a party if people don’t know I was there? Why bother playing at a festival if I can’t shout about and use it as an excuse to post images that build how I am perceived? I complain, but I throttle people with my activity as much as they do me. So maybe the confusion I feel cannot be blamed on Instagram, perhaps it is to do with the hypocrisy that comes with it. Do as I say, not as I do; and so the saga continues.